I Need to Read About Nuclear Power. Or Sleep. Instead: this.

It’s been a long time since I wrote a blog. A real, honest to goodness blog. Not a creative writing assignment, not a random sampling of me being triste con la vida (Oh, Julieta Venegas, what would I do without you). Just thoughts. In fact, I can’t remember the last time I did. Have I ever written such a blog? Can I write such a blog? Hillary and I have discussed many a time that one never blogs when happy–after all, you’re too busy out being happy to sit at your computer and blog. I cannot capture happiness in words. It just is. Happiness is music; angst is words. So I guess if you’ve been annoyed at the lack of happy in my blog (yeah, I’m talking to you, grandparents) there’s your explanation. But on to my neither happy nor sad observations. Well, I’d like them to be emotionally neutral. They aren’t. Whatever, deal with it. 

College is looming ever closer. And for the first time in my life, it would seem, just as it is within my grasp, that prospect really, really freaks me out. I have to…choose. I can’t even decide what color socks to put on in the morning (I go for two colors just to cover a few different bases)!! How am I going to choose what is essentially the determining factor of the direction my life from this point on is going to go? 

And once I do decide, what then? It’s an exciting prospect–a whole new town and whole new friends. But I’m crap at “keeping in touch.” Even if facebook allows me to stalk the lives of people I was once friends with, it’s not like we’re really friends anymore. I’ve worked so hard to make friends at Foothill, and it took me so long to get to the level of comfort I’m at socially. Is it going to take 4 more years of random acquaintanceship before I get friends who break into my house and text me pictures that exploit my ridiculous phobias? Friends who know what I’m thinking almost before I do? 

I guess these fears are of my own making. I can’t stand the idea of going to college with a bunch of people I know. Not because they’re dumbshits. No, even the people I love–I would feel like that was cheating. I have this compulsion to strike out on my own. It’s one of many compulsions I have to make myself unhappy. It seems like in my quest for maturity I’m always making myself feel crappy. Is that what being mature means? It would be easier if I really wanted to go to Berkeley. I wish I did. I’m such an abnormal speech kid. But I don’t. The idea is a beautiful. But…I don’t know. I guess it has something to do with the fact that I have this deep rooted fear that if I never leave California I never will. 

On the flip side, Boston is pretttttty. I love fall. A lot. I got to wear a scarf today!!! AND I BOUGHT A SWEATERVEST. Jesus Christ with a mohawk, I’m excited about it. Though I don’t know if I can handle WINTER. It’s not winter here, it’s WINTER. But Harvard was so amazing. Or maybe I’m just elitist. Or maybe it’s both. Brandeis, BU and Northwestern within a couple days, we’ll see if who wins the “Shaunacy wants to go to college here” competition.


5 Comments on “I Need to Read About Nuclear Power. Or Sleep. Instead: this.”

  1. Esther says:

    What? Your grandparents read your blog? My parents don’t even know about my blog, and my grandma doesn’t even know how to turn on a computer.

    OMG, sweatervest! So jealous. Also, I’m very jealous that you (and practically everyone else) are out looking at colleges over break. You need to give me details on Harvard and Northwestern when you get back, since I might apply to both. Though, I tried listing out all the colleges I might be applying to yesterday, and the number was way too high. Gah, ambivalence!

  2. michaelos says:

    I can totally sympathize. I had my heart set on Berkeley, but now the idea of paying 30k in five years with absurdly large classes when I could get a lot of financial aid and scholarships and spend four years (or five, if I want a masters and utilize the available programs) at Stanford or Brandeis has made me start to second-guess myself.

    And I sympathize even moreso about meeting and befriending new people at college (though I never have had the experience of my friends breaking-and-entering). And, like you, I suck at keeping in touch, and I don’t even have a Facebook to pseudo-stalk people with!

    Anyway, hope you like Brandeis; it is a kickass school.

  3. Shane says:

    Point 1 — The sweatervest is awesome.

    Points 2 and 3 — Harvard is awesome. If you are an elitist, it just means we might be related (not because I think I am an elitist, of course, but because you stated such this weekend). Once you get to Harvard, you will realize the difference between academically motivated and elitist.

    As for your friends, I can sympathize. My social adequateness was actually a facade–I’m pretty sure my actual friends in high school amounted to Hansie, Xtina, you, Fe, Ryan, Joie, perhaps Sharlyn for a period, (and Peter). Yet, only a year and a quarter in, I’ve already made twice that here. It’s amazing what the close confines of dorm loving will do for your social life. it takes major effort to not make friends.

  4. Shane says:

    Oh, P.S., you going to Harvard would raise you higher than me (according to U.S. News and World Report, Forbes, among others). Do you realize how much that would piss me off??? 🙂 Now’s your chance to be better than me for all time (or until I go to grad school).


  5. Anna says:

    boo harvard!! Dartmouth=love. I actually had my heart set on Berkeley, but having some school in the middle of nowhere in the east coast recruit you…and then actually falling in love with it once you visited, well…how could I say no?

    Oh yeah, and there was the fact that Cal rejected me haha

    Although I was never the most social of people, it’s ridiculous not to make friends here. The people here are so nice! Hanover is adorable, I love living in the middle of nowhere (not to mention the lack of big corporations is a dream of mine) too bad you didn’t visit me 😥 Dartmouth is paradise…except for the fact that the social scene revolves around greek life. But you can’t have everything. And I can’t guilt trip you into applying either!

    Don’t worry so much about choosing your school, by the time you have your acceptance letters, it’ll just feel right. I love the weather here(east coast!) I’ve made it through most of fall and 20 degree weather just fine, so if I can, you can too. You’ll need jackets, blazers, and peacoats haha I’ll have to give you an update on winter…

    sweatervests are the shit.

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