Ah, Annoying Satire AssignmentsPosted: December 4, 2008
Creative Writing Project Kills Again
Ventura, CA–Late Wednesday night, the little known serial killer who calls himself Creative Writing Homework struck again. Police report no new findings in the case, and clues are sparse as to who the man behind the name truly is. He defies definition, and seems to change form with each new attack. Shockingly, the killer seems to disappear each weekend, only to reappear on Wednesday night. No signs of him have been seen since late last Thursday, but police psychologists tracking the case expect him to return soon for another round of brutalization. Local residents have been advised to lock their doors, shut down their computers, and continue watching reruns of The Daily Show.
Past victims of this killer have included such noteworthy and important public figures as Creativity itself, who was the first to fall prey to Creative Writing Homework in his disguise of The Short Story. Quickly following that heinous crime was the death of Relaxation, followed even quicker by the double murder of Free Time and Originality. We have all been affected by their tragedies, and offer their families the most sincere condolences we can muster between writing this article and going to grab a Snickers bar from the vending machine.
Contrary to public opinion, Chief Investigator Rampant Vulgarity seems to be no help in cracking the case. Despite multiple alleged instances of communication between Creative Writing and Vulgarity, the killer seems to be no closer to being brought under the control of the authorities. Our only hope in combating this known killer is the mythical Story Idea. Unfortunately, he was last seen late last fall, and has since gone into hiding. He is rumored to be living in a cave somewhere in southwest Russia, barely surviving on a diet mostly consisting of cans of cold beans and hard liquor. Indeed, the outlook is grim. What are we to do? Will the Story Idea swoop in and rescue us from certain failure at the last minute, or will we all be destroyed by the killer as he leaves a long, bloody trail of Fs in his wake? Only time will tell.