I had a couple happy posts lined up, really. Ah well.Posted: March 18, 2009
It’s weird when big things happen in your life, big awful things, and suddenly the most normal things become awkward. Yesterday the barista at Starbucks asked me very sincerely how my day was going, and I felt strange flat out lying to her and telling her “pretty good.” Because I wasn’t going to say oh, my grandmother died a few hours ago, just by the by. I don’t even know how to tell my friends, because frankly I’ve only said it out loud once and that’s when I lost it. Even when I knew she was dying, I didn’t want to talk about it because I didn’t know how. And now what? So by the way, my grandmother died, if you haven’t gotten the memo. I’m okay without your reassurances of sympathy, because I realize that there’s nothing you can say to that, because I’ve had my share of awkward “someone you know that I don’t has died and I want you to be okay” run ins. (Hugs are acceptable on a pre-approved basis–Freshman Too Close tried to hug me today and I was so not cool with that) Frankly, I didn’t know what to say to it. I knew exactly what was coming when my mother asked me to call her, and when it came out I didn’t know what I could say. Someone outside of the family would have said “I’m sorry,” but then I would just be saying that to myself, and that’s retarded. So I had to go for “okay.” Looking back, oh the irony of that particular statement. (I found it funny that the previous day I had told Eric that tomorrow would be better. Life has been particularly vindictive as of late.) I had this moment of thought, yesterday, before (because now it’s before and after) that I for the first time in months was working on writing something completely happy, a short story, and I wanted to finish it so that she would have something happy to read of mine. And it was just this brief idea, but still.
It’s just…odd. I still don’t feel like I know what death means. It’s just sort of surreal. All the family crap and the logistics whatnot. It just feels like an absence, not permanent or anything. It occured to me today during class that suddenly I had a personal stake in what happens to you after you die. I keep having all these little epiphanies. It seems like it’s been a much longer time than a day and a half, and it’s taking me a while to figure out what this all means. So yeah. Chew on that one for a bit.